Yup. That about sums it up.
It is not easier for me to be in a box.
It is not easier for me to go with the flow.
It is sure not easy for me to just agree to any ole thing.
Because once I started questioning things, one thing, a couple of things…Then I had to question everything. Everything that I have come across so far. I find it very likely that tomorrow will be spent finding more things to question.
That is what I do – and if you think it is easy or fun – no. Not usually.
But I do have a talent and that is that I refuse to fall to my death. I will hold onto the creaky rope long enough to find the stronger one. I will stand on the rickety ladder until I can be sure that the next one is stronger. And if you try to destroy the rickety ladder I am on or pick at the frayed rope I am holding – you better have something that I am convinced is stronger to hold me up while I figure out my next move. This is a perilous journey.
I try very hard to make it a point to not pick at other peoples ‘fraid nots.. because if they are not ready to grab something else – and there is not something that will support them – I will be responsible for harming them.
I could be responsible for destroying them.
Edited to add:
This was not originally what I wanted to write about. This week has been crazy – I have been sick – super sick, PMS struck in a fierce way, my husband is dejected, My kid has also been sick and I was getting pretty excited because I was actually invited to a local Seder! When does that happen? And then the day before we were going to decide if we could go or not (because we are so sniffly and bleary eyes) the lady who was going to host the Seder (in our town – no kidding!) had a stroke.
Of course they later found it wasn’t serious and the lady should make a complete recovery. But it just goes to show you can’t do a thing until your own house is in order.
Yesterday morning I delighted my husband by cleaning out ONE drawer!! woo-hoo! Then that evening I felt good enough to clean out the fridge – then the cupboard – then the freezer! I felt pretty good – but still…cleaning junk out of the house. It is cleaning junk out of our hearts and minds that is the big deal.
When I was thinking yesterday about Yeshua warning his disciples (and us) of the leavening of the religious elite. That are so puffed up about themselves that no one can stand them. Thinking so highly of yourself that you have to look down on everyone else…is basically akin to being a bully. If you believe I am talking about you – I highly doubt that – unless you are the one that is always snapping at my dog to shut up or my kid to quit scratching or responding to every deep query with “I know, just because I said so”
However telling people that you live with these things can be a challenge. I will look on the bright side though and mention that my husband *did* help me with shopping yesterday. And in picking out the kinds of meals that had no bread – so small favors…but all though it might be selfish – I can’t help but be disappointed. So this week… I am thinking of a leaven hunt at every meal. Not quite sure how to work that out…but the title of this post was mostly aimed at that goal – I am tired of screwing around. I am tired of fighting alone. I am tired of dragging my supposed leader around in his UFC, mud-tire, NFL induced coma. and then dealing with his short snappy insecure answers over Every Freaking Issue…
I NEED a partner on this planet – NOT an adversary. Not someone out there – the someone that is right here that should be stepping up, but is instead lashing out.
So although I am not only physically sick with the flu, but I am heart sick – because I DO NOT like forcing people to choose. I do not like MAKING people grow up. I am not even sure how to go about it. I am no ta confrontationalist by nature. I am a live and let live kinda person – but this is not letting me live. This is not letting my son live. This is not letting my love live.
I am not a warrior type – I am an encourager but this hill of my faith, the foothills of the Holy Mountain of my Messiah, this is indeed one I am willing to do battle on – one I am willing to die on.
The question is how….
I am so grateful for the few glimpses into my Messiah’s heart – I know where I stand. But this week promises to be a rough one for me.
So If I have hurt anyone’s feelings in my Pre – Sickness, PMS, frustrated ragings – I am truly and deeply sorry. But I am also truly and deeply hurt and angry.
Let us therefore celebrate the festival, not with the old leaven, the leaven of malice and evil, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.