When you’re broken hearted ..you run out of things to say.
So it is with me. My sister is so far away, my best friend is unreachable, My husband is great but he is not understanding what is up with me. My dad is back to mood swings. My kid is awesome, but ya know he is still a kid.
And here we are – it’s ELUL people! Which I know, I know lots of people are super excited. But it is tough to razz up the band of ONE with so much heaviness around. I honestly am so tired I feel like I had high hopes last year and would be swiftly swimming to shore, but I have been caught in the tide and treading water for a long long long time. Building my muscles, but going nowhere.
( warning metaphor shift…in 3 ..2..1…)
It seems I am surrounded by seed sown in rocky ground or among thorns and it is really hard to grow here. There is something to be said for being around people similar in faith. If they are growing in an environment – then I suppose it could sustain others…the downside of that is when you feel like you are a plant from outer space and there is no place suitable for you to grow.
But what is the fruit? When I was younger I thought the fruit was like winning people to your point of view – almost like signing up people to vote with your political party. Or donate to your charity. just get ’em to accept Jesus and all is well….Now that seems all wrong.
The second idea is that doing nice stuff is fruit – like helping feed the homeless or rescue animals. But that doesn’t seem right either. Plenty of people help others without a religious slant to it. and then I thought to look up the fruit of the spirit – in Galatians – but that whole chapter 5 is too much right now. When you are depressed it is not fun to evaluate your faults. It actually seems kind of dangerous. So moving on…
My guitar is coming along nicely – I can play a bunch of chords – my transitions are becoming smoother – my strumming is pretty crappy – but it will come in time I am sure.
BeeBop was tired of being away from the other goats so she climbed out of her pen. I am hoping she tames down pretty quick she could get up to 200 pounds…and I would rather have a nice 200 pound goat to handle than a crazy one. my largest goat right now is about…80 pounds? And she is done growing so….could be interesting.
So I am going to go out to milk now and try to focus on some good stuff. and pet the goats and feed the meat chicks and maybe sing to myself. And focus focus focus – Elul is all about focusing…
We used to tell people all the effort and crazy sauce that goes into planning a wedding is quickly forgotten when the ceremony comes – at the end of the day you are still married. Oh how I hope that is the case this fall. Quickly isn’t quick enough some days…