who I am not

I know not everyone is on FB And honestly there are days when I wish I wasn’t either – bunch of dang internet stalkers there – and I don’t need it – not right now. True – it is the only way I know my sister is alive and a few people post things that are interesting – but so much crap. and comparing and lies and half truths – and just to sift through the fifty tons of crap to see how one little event turned out – not worth it – I think I turned off every notification on that site. ::blech::

I may have mentioned this before – but I am not a good “worshipper” type person. I don’t get overwhelmed in emotion – I don’t appreciate my feelings being manipulated for some kind of spiritual experience. And to be quite honest it makes me nervous to be around people that are so quick to switch gears from normal type regular person to Super holy fluttery singing crying person. It quite honestly freaks me out.

People tell me that I need to let the spirit move me – ummm why?
I don’t like to have people touch me.
I don’t like to have people being overwhelmed around me.
yelling crying.
Because it makes me look like an ass. Mostly.

I just don’t function like that.

A friend invited us to a messianic fellowship a couple of weeks ago. these folks here: https://youtu.be/gL_exS8fjWk

Meh – the teacher…I don’t have anything against him – he may be quite smart and all – I just didn’t have much of a connection with him. There were a few people there that I really enjoyed talking to though, we came in late – everyone was disappointed that we missed worship time with the flags and dancing and all – nope not me – I am ok to be missing that. It’s like walking in on your brother and his girlfriend kissing – awkward. I will sit for the teaching. Ok ok ok. It was like national lampoons at the grand canyon – wow. that’s something – ok time to go!!

then I had to visit the little girls room and when I came back everyone was holding hands and praying together and I was quite alright with missing out on that too – because I don’t like touching people or to have them touch me right – remember? my poor husband was mumbling through the hebrew portion. And then nice to meet ya see ya around.

But now that shavuot is on the horizon…all about being spirit filled and I just really feel…lame-o. I don’t want to go anywhere because everyone will be all spirit enhanced and I will be looking at them with one eyebrow raised and spoiling all the fun.


4 thoughts on “who I am not

  1. cagey

    I don’t think worship has anything to do with it Ali. We are called to ”Love thy Lord with all our heart..” and to obey His commandments etc. Worship and fellowship are two different things. It sounds like fellowship is what you have issue with, and I think that’s perfectly normal. We aren’t cookie cutter, and you shouldn’t have to be. You don’t have to enjoy doing the same things or being the same way… and when I say enjoy I don’t even quite mean that as I’m looking for the right word.. perhaps what I mean is, you don’t have to worship the Lord in the same way as everyone is *told* they should.

  2. gmaali Post author

    I love fellowship – I love staying up late talking about important things – dissecting scripture – developing hypotheses -communication – I love deep conversation. just not the touching singing crying part…

    1. cagey

      I don’t consider that fellowship – at least by the typical ”Christian” definition. I think that’s discourse and dialogue and learning together. *shrugs* At any rate we can’t be the same, and shouldn’t be. You should learn and worship in the way that is unique to you.

  3. hearthie

    Worship is a lot of things, and God knows how He made you… and how you worship Him best. You might never enter into the spirit of squishyfellowship – but your obedience is worship. And you can sing hosannas to the Lord to the desert winds, weep in your private prayers, and receive the same amount of blessing.

    Remember most of the Messianic fellowships in CA have a lot of folks from CC – and CC is a direct offshoot of the Jesus Freaks movement of the 70s. So squishygoogoo is the order of the day. That serves a purpose for those of us raised in churches where making so much as a squeak in church (outside of singing) was a no-go. But if you’re sitting there cringing… not so much for you.

    I am far less introverted than you are, and it’s taken me a long time to enjoy the squish. Think of CS Lewis, talking about how he couldn’t enter into the hymnal imagery, and prayed that someday he could, but he just suffered through. And that was at an Episcopalian service!!!! You can be a good Christ-follower without enjoying the antics of all the rest of us. That’s why we’re a body of many parts.


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