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just for Anna

really is there a lot of stuff going on? – yes there is but life and distraction and not being able to sit down and type just….my husband and son are on the east coast leaving me here to manage things by myself for a couple of weeks. well …me and pop… makes me wish I had a larger family.

the weather guy at southern California weather force is now predicting earthquakes ( now predicting earthquakes for SoCal is like predicting rain for Seattle..we know it is out there. however Californians are a special kind of stupid. So many people so few resources. here is what will happen – we only have two ways to get from my house to the great blue pond called the Pacific. One is the Cajon Pass (basically where the great San Andreas cuts through our barren rock mountains. ) and the other is the 14 freeway that drops into the San Fernando valley – any ANY earthquake will wipe out both ways of travel. No worries right? except we have these places like the port of long beach and the port of los angeles where tons of stuff is shipped into and out of – traveling by truck and rail all over the country. and so many people will be stuck in the valleys, and then apparently we are supposed to get some flooding this fall…it is gonna get messy.




yeah like that.

Days have been frustrating. My husband and I are not getting along so well. Mostly because I am irritated. I think I should check the calendar, no? and bonus – he has two week off of work starting on Friday. We have nothing planned.
We had nothing going on for Hanukkah, we have nothing planned for the “other” winter holiday. My husband insists that we need to do something for the grandkids. but I don’t feel like it. I feel like locking myself in the room with a bunch of books and endless coffee.

My good friend can’t afford rent in the big city anymore so she is heading back to the high desert with her family to live with her sister in law. the upside is she might visit more often. but her commute to church will be longer so who knows? She is storing a bunch of stuff here since we have a ton of storage space – my husband had the nerve to tell me that I should have asked first before I offered to let her store her stuff here.
Really? Really?!? I need to ask permission to store things in the building I sold my home to pay for? For my best friend? why? so he could have the satisfaction of granting me permission? or not? no thank you very much.

Sorry for the attitude suckage. It seems to be a constant part of me lately. :/



I bought the Garden of Emuna book that Lazer Brody is always talking about last week. Honestly – it is quite good. So good that I was reading some to my husband…hi ladies – have you met my husband?
my husband and I are not exactly on the same page. When I met him 16 years ago he was at work reading the bible and I though he really had it together. (go ahead laugh..) He was reading the book of proverbs. and guess what he was reading last week? yup proverbs. because some twit told him years ago when you don’t know what to read in scripture you should look at the calendar and read the book of proverbs that corresponds to the calendar date. I shit you not.
My son has a job at the local gymnastics place, Last night I went to pick him up and took the book because sometimes he has clean up to do that takes a bit more time, so I can read while I wait.
Then I had to run to the grocery store, when I got home my husband was reading…the Zohar.
I asked him what he was doing? He said he wanted to read the Emuna book but he couldn’t find it so he decided to read the Zohar.
I believe he choose it because it is thin and only has 96 pages…so maybe he thought it would be light reading…not particularly… Sigh..
I asked him if he liked it…he said he couldn’t understand it.
I just had to vent. I hate the holidays BTW and today is our 4-H Xmess party and ornament exchange…I feel like Wednesday Addams. What would I do with an ornament? ((o.O))


yeah I know I have been away – I have been going through a lot of stuff – crap. junk. Just been mostly depressed. don’t feel like writing – hell many days I don’t feel like eating and once in a while I don’t even feel like getting out of bed.

This morning I told my son the story of Melissa Ballestero. Melissa was a girl I went to school with. I had a few friends – but Melissa was super cool – spoke spanish, lived in a cool house and had a huge family and she lived two blocks away. When we were seven years old. We became friends. I went to her house twice a week and we worked on homework together and played games. For months I went over there and we hung out. But we didn’t hang out at school too much. Then one day she looked me in the eye and said I am not your friend.
I don’t want you to come play anymore

I didn’t understand.
We were little kids.

But then she told me the truth.
I just invited you over because you are smart and can help me with homework. I was using you and I don’t even like you.

I remember being so broken hearted over that incident.
Funny how things stick with you.
The sad part is I still wanted to be friends with her.
But she made it clear she wasn’t interested.

Why bring this up now? Because sometimes old story lines are revisited and I am still a person that likes helping people, even when it is clear they are not my friends. Even when it is obvious they are using me.

what kind of faith….

Having a bit of a crisis here – the truth is the christian religion can’t exist in it’s present form – it makes no sense at all…We know that ~ we have covered it many many times – not like I have a lot of new people around here but suffice to say that following a Jewish rebel by celebrating Pagan holidays and beating other people over their heads about going to a fiery inferno for eternity unless they have accepted the idea that Jewish guys can be killed over 2,000 years ago to mitigate the disrespect they continue to kindle in their hearts against his lifestyle and teachings, is completely nuts.
And then we have the rest of us, somewhere in between…this morning I was perusing the book of Jubilee and it says that The Father would teach His kids how to keep the Sabbath, and also that He didn’t give it to everyone – just Israel – that is Jacob who YHVH considers his firstborn sanctified and the offspring of Israel. That is all the tribes, of course now we only consider one – the tribe of Judah – the Jews.

Now there are provisions in the present time, for folks who want to convert to Judaism – but obviously that is not me. Messianic Judaism is basically a hodgepodge of wishes and wannabees – except the christians don’t care for them and the jewish folks don’t either. No one likes a wolf in sheep’s clothing. The sheep run away and the wolves will kill it. It just doesn’t belong.

So once again we are just stuck trying to do our best with what we have, which is dreadfully little to go on. It might make a person wonder why bother trying at all…A recent conversation with a precious friend unearthed this nugget of truth. I am driven to my own path because I have the fingerprints of the creator all over my life, there is no denying I am part of a greater purpose and plan than I understand just yet. And I want to understand it. I figure I must be like the samaritan woman – I don’t even know what I am doing –
He says to her “You worship what you do not know; we know what we worship, for salvation is of the Jews. But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for the Father is seeking such to worship Him. God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”
When she told her community what happened, they believed. And he came and visited for a bit, talking with them.
Then they said to the woman, “Now we believe, not because of what you said, for we ourselves have heard Him and we know that this is indeed the Messiah, the Savior of the world.”

But why? What happened to those people?
They didn’t become Jews…I am pretty sure they didn’t go all Pagan/Catholic. But where did they end up?
When I met Yeshua in a dream and asked him if he had any other ideas, like a Plan B. He said. Nope – just this one. Which one is that you might ask? The one where he told people truth and they believe it and they tell others. Basically relying on the innate desire of people to seek out the Creator in Truth of Spirit.

Another friend of mine is so frustrated with communication…but we have no other method. Spirit can talk to spirit but we have been starving them for so long…it is not easy. This week has been crazy for me. To the point where I have been bursting into tears, for apparently no reason. Sobbing. Why? I can only guess that it is spiritual intercession, that can’t be understood. But it is a new thing for me, that is for sure… My husband is quite a bit worried about it. But what can I do? I can’t explain it to myself in my own heart, that means I have a 0.0% chance of explaining it to anyone else.

unknown crap

I know I haven’t been around here much – the deal is – in real life I have been going through some stuff. Some pretty hurtful stuff and I am worn out. I found some people I really clicked with and after a few weeks of intense awesomeness I am somehow finding myself on the naughty list. So emotionally, spiritually – that has been grating on me. I am stumbling around a little shell shocked. and sad. and lost. working though it best I can though.

Whats the Didache?

have any of you seen or heard of this?

here is Wiki ideas on it:

This was something referred to in early church writing but no one had a copy – until one day a monk was poking around Istanbul and found an old Codex and there it was – about 1800 years old. The Catholic church wasn’t that excited about it and the greek church wasn’t that excited about it and the protestants didn’t want to accept it…but try this – read it and see what you think.